My Secret

So, you want to know my secret right? Why else would you be here? I would like to think that you would come by just because you love reading my blog; but that might not be the case because you are probably like me a naturally curious person…if someone has a secret-I want to know! Okay, well almost all secrets…some secrets I would rather not know about. However, I have a feeling that my secret is one you want to know about! As a matter of fact you probably are getting very annoyed with me because I just keep making you read and not sharing my secret!
My secret begins February 21st in Mattoon, Illinois-where Joseph and I were at for a meeting. Actually, it begins before then; but those details are very personal and I don't think you want to know about them and the story really begins in June of 2008. But, let me get on with the secret and if you want to know the details you can keep reading further and I would encourage you to please do! My secret is…on October 23rd roughly, Joseph and I will be having a baby-I am pregnant! I am 7 weeks!
So, for those of you that are interested, let me take you back to the beginning-June of 2008. Joseph and I decided it was time to go off birth control and have a baby. I remember thinking, "in just a couple months I will have a baby in my tummy" and whenever Joseph and I would pass the baby department in a store we would eye the baby clothes and point out cute outfits. We even talked about baby names. It was just so exciting to us and we really thought we were ready for that chapter of our lives and just naturally expected God to agree with us and give us a baby. Days, weeks, months and even a year passed by with still no baby in my tummy. Friends became pregnant easily, people that weren't even trying to get pregnant were getting pregnant, friends with children were getting pregnant again…frankly, there were times in this journey that I became very sad and discouraged. When we would go to meetings, people would ask, "do you want kids?", "when do you plan on having kids?" Of course I want kids and I planned on having kids forever ago-we were trying; but it just wasn't happening. Then when I would tell people the truth about things, they would say, "God knows best", "well you probably don't want kids when you are always on the road", "just be satisfied with your husband"-I know all those things and its easier said than done. I realize God knows best-I knew that throughout my journey and to be honest is our life ever ready for kids? So really, I don't care if I am always on the road or not, I wanted a baby. Joseph and I were happy with each other and we have come to realize that on this earth him and I are enough for each other. But, knowing all the right answers….doesn't necessarily make things easy. Knowing the right answers didn't make it easy when nights would come and I had just realized I wasn't pregnant or someone would tell me they had just found out they were pregnant and were excited to see how God answered their prayer because they were in His will-implying my relationship with the Lord might not be right. Nights where I would lay on Joseph's chest and just cry out loud to him and the Lord. I would cry out, "I will change whatever it is in my life that needs to be changed so that the Lord can really see that I am ready for a baby." I would ask, "when is it my turn, why must I keep waiting?" My husband hurt for me, he felt my pain and I know he so wished he could do something for me, he promised me, "we will have a child someday if not from your womb, we can adopt-we can do something". But, I would just cry out, I want a baby in my womb…I don't want to adopt. I don't believe there is anything wrong with adoption, I just believe that God had given me that innate desire to carry my own child and that is what I wanted to do. Each month my husband and I learned how to stand together and learned how to comfort one another and receive comfort from the Lord. Slowly, we realized that God sees the big picture and the works He is doing in our lives are for our good and His glory. As we grew in the Lord in this area of our lives it doesn't mean things were always easy, some months were easier than others and some months the Lord had to really work overtime on us to remind us of the work He was doing in us while we waited. Let me now speed up to about a week and a half ago.
Joseph and I were at my grandparents for a visit, I was suffering from a cold and just waiting for my dreaded "friend" to show up. While at my grandparents, I learned that someone I am acquainted with was expecting…on this day I was having a particularly hard day and that news hit home hard. I had to excuse myself to the room we were staying in, by the time I got to the room, I could no longer hold my tears. I just cried out to the Lord, I said, "Lord, I'm at the bottom of my barrel, I can't keep doing this each month…being late just to realize I am not pregnant, I need you to rescue me from this Lord-do something Lord. I'm trying Lord to learn, do whatever it is that You need me to do; but I'm done Lord, its up to You…" When I finished praying, I felt real peace and with grace I continued to wait for my dreaded "friend". Well, the following Sunday we were sitting in church and I was figuring out some things when Joseph shared with me that in his opinion, I was pregnant. I looked at Joseph and told him not to get excited because every time I take a pregnancy test it never gives me the answer we want. I really didn't think I was pregnant; but agreed to purchase a home pregnancy test from Wal-Mart. Monday morning came very quickly, Joseph was still sound asleep and I decided to crawl out of bed and take the pregnancy test. I slipped into bathroom whispering a prayer, "Lord give me grace." I took the test, placed it on the counter and looked away. Then I looked back and it looked like two lines had appeared-I have never seen two lines before! I started screaming, "JOSEPH! JOSEPH! BRING MY GLASSES I THINK I'M PREGNANT! I THINK I SEE TWO LINES!" Joseph ran in with my glasses and looked at the test and confirmed two lines; but just to be safe I decided to take the other test and it said yes to! Sitting on the toilet announcing to my husband was not the romantic image I had originally had in my mind to tell him; but to be honest it was just so hard to believe. We have wanted this for so long and to then realize it was finally happening was very overwhelming. I started pacing the hotel room, crying and exclaiming to Joseph there's a baby in my tummy-I've wanted this for so long-thank you Lord! We called our parents and my siblings to tell them the news; but ordered them to keep it under wraps until we had it officially confirmed by my doctor. The appointment to see my doctor was made for Friday….I was so nervous that she was going to tell me the pregnancy test had given me a false positive; but instead she told me congratulations and that I was due on October 23rd! I was only 6 weeks at the time; but she sent me for an ultrasound to confirm the due date because she wanted to proceed with caution since she knows our struggle. So, we have already been able to see our baby, though to be honest our baby doesn't quite look like a baby yet…however, its our baby and we already love this little one God has put in my tummy. Joseph kisses my belly every day and tells baby, "I love you". Its still very surreal to me, especially since most days I don't really feel pregnant; but everyone tells me that its nothing to be concerned about! Our baby does have a slow heart rate as of now; but they expect it to be okay and told us not to be concerned…we are however already committing this to the Lord.
I know we are not very far along and some people may think we should wait to share the news; but this baby is already a part of our lives. I want to enjoy this time, I don't want to look back at my pregnancy with regret because I had spent it in fear or doubt. This baby is a gift and we are trusting the Lord to let me carry the baby full term, I have no reason to believe that He will not allow me to do so. So, if you disagree with me sharing my news "early" please keep it to yourself. Please keep it to yourself, the risks of having a baby in my tummy-I know there are risks; but I serve an amazing God who has brought me through the drought and answered my prayers, He has put a baby in my tummy-I now have peace that I can have a baby!
I am now seven weeks pregnant and am actually feeling great despite an occasional wave of nausea and hormonal issues. I can already tell that my skirts are feeling tighter, my winter coat is already not very comfy to zip anymore and the upper part of my tummy is getting a little firmer. I am trying to eat healthy, you know get some fruits and vegetables into my daily diet and I do try to drink water. Though I must admit, I feel as if I have to choke down the water when I drink, I just despise water-it has no flavor, plus it makes me go to the bathroom even more and I already go a lot! Ugh! I also get hungry more frequent than I use to and I tire earlier, usually go to bed when I can before ten!
So, now you know my secret….please pray for me and baby that we stay healthy and have a wonderful pregnancy! Again, Joseph and I are SO excited!