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Monday, February 7, 2011

Being Real

I am trying to get back into the blogging spirit…I think I lost my desire to blog as openly about things, because I know certain people that read my blog would probably become critical. So, I held back. By holding back, I have struggled to pull things out of thin air to blog about…of course I can always blog about Klayton and I am sure ALL my readers love hearing about him, right? Right! Haha! But, I would also like to blog about other things so here it goes in an effort to, as my good friend Lindsay would say, “keeping it real” about life on the road!
We are quickly approaching a month of being back on the road. To say the least getting back on the road for me was not easy. December was a crazy month, surgery…hospitalized baby….company….among other things. There was so much packed into one month and then even the weekend we left to get back on the road was just as jam packed-it was all very crazy. I knew that our time at home was coming to an end. I had time to prepare and yet it seemed the time quickly passed and leaving snuck up on me and I quickly learned I wasn’t as ready as I had thought I would be. We left January 8th, after the wedding of a good friend and took off to Bellevue, Nebraska for the night. Thankfully, Bellevue was only a 3 hour drive because I cried for probably 2 hours and 45 minutes of that trip-I would probably been dried out of tears if the trip would have been longer! Haha! I didn’t even say goodbye to many people at the wedding because by the third goodbye I was an emotional wreck and if you know me at all, you know I am very private and I really don’t like to show my emotions. So that whole crying thing was even driving me nuts!
I would like to say January 8th was the only emotional night for me on this trip; but I would be telling a lie. I have probably driven my hubby batty at my tears and sensitivity. I didn’t even know how to explain my feelings to him-he wanted to help and he tried; but how can you help someone when they don’t even know the words to explain their feelings? Then we were in Reno, Nevada visiting a church that on short notice put us up for the night and fed us dinner-we also attended a revival service that they were having. During the meeting, was one of my first experiences of having an inconsolable baby and I was definitely no super mommy because I didn’t know what to do; but that’s another story that put me in tears. We didn’t even present our ministry to them and yet at the end of the service, the pastor gave Joseph a love offering and the pastor’s wife came over just to check and see how I was doing, which sent me into another course of tears. I hated crying AGAIN! But, the pastor’s wife just gave me a hug and asked me about it so I told her all about it and how I am just trying to be strong. After talking to her I realized its okay, I can be weak at times-I don’t always have to be strong. In my weakness, HIS strength is made perfect or I like to say made strong. God has all the strength and I can be strong; but only if I am weak in His hands for Him to shape me and give me the strength I need.
Traveling with a baby is very different; but a good different. Klayton is such a good traveler, he still has smiles at the end of the day-even after he has been stuck in his car seat anywhere from 2-10 hours at a time. Sitting in a van for long periods of time makes Joseph and I cranky at times and I think Klayton has had fewer cranky days than us and he is only 3 months old and were how old?! Being on the road with a baby has made us become stronger in the decisions we have made for our child and question some decisions. Maybe I shouldn’t say question; but rather perspective. We just want to be the best parents we can be and do right by the child God has entrusted us with. As parents we have to be unified, we may not always agree-after all we are two different people with sometimes two different ideas; but we are learning to come together and figure it out. We probably would have learned this at home, off the road; but being in so many churches with so many ideas we have learned that we need to be ready and confident in our decisions as parents. You never know when we will have some explaining to do! And we are learning that those around us will not always agree whether it be strangers, friends, family; but Klayton was given to us by the Lord and not to any one else-we are the ones that will answer to God…so at the end of the day we must ask ourselves, am I willing to answer to God for the decisions we have made today concerning the child He has lent to us?
While on the road, we have had some frustrating things happen to us. We are a long way from home and it’s not easy when meetings cancel us last minute and we have no place to go. I sometimes wonder if people realize how hard it is and how expensive it can be to live our life on the road, especially when we are cancelled last minute. I realize that at times churches/pastors have a legitimate reason; but not always. This has happened to us 3 times now. During times like this, it reminds us that we really need to be confident in what we are doing, because it would be very easy to become discouraged. Also, I wonder what goes through peoples minds when they put us up in hotels or homes for the night-do they ask themselves first if they would be willing to stay if they were in our position? We have been put up in places with black mold…no heat…dirty floors among other things and I think to myself, “I have a baby and you want me to stay here?’ Ugh…
You know, life on the road away from friends to start with was very good for me. I love my friends and I can be very friend oriented. When Joseph and I got married, we honeymooned and then immediately started deputation-we were away from home for 2 months. During that time we learned to depend on one another and I learned that instead of always going to my girlfriends, I needed to be going to my husband-my best friend. I must admit though whereas, yes, Joseph is still my best friend sometimes I just miss my friends. This has been a trip where I simply just miss my friends. You know the girls you can chat about whatever with, laugh and cry with? Yep, those are the girlfriends I have back home and I miss them.
This has turned into quite the post….if you are still reading this, I apologize for any and every thing that makes no sense! I will probably organize my thoughts better soon and blog again about this….

1 comment:

Melissa said...

Critism I think that's out there often stops me, too.

Thanks for being honest. It's nice to know that there are honest people out there... and makes me want to continue being open and brave about my thoughts.