Saturday, June 22, 2013

Not Alone

Over at Kelly’s Korner the subject is infertility. I don’t really speak A TON about this subject on here; but it is a subject that is close to my heart. It took 18 months of trying before getting our positive with Klayton. And here we are again…I told my husband that I was going to participate in the link up. Joseph was like, “you are not infertile” as he motioned to Klayton. I decided to look up the definition and found if a person under 35 who has been trying for a year or more is considered infertile. I personally believe that there are different “progressions” if you will of infertility.

When Klayton was around six months old we decided that it was time to start “trying” because it had taken SO long with him. I went in for my yearly visit and my doctor thought things were looking good and she suspected that baby number two would happen much more quickly! I walked out of her office relieved, happy and confident! In December of 2011, just six months after that visit I took 5 pregnancy tests and they were ALL positive! We made an appointment for that very day with my doctor. I gave a “sample” and it came back negative, so blood work was ordered which confirmed my news; but my levels were low and my doctor requested I come back in the following week to make sure my levels were increasing. I never made it back for that second test because I started bleeding four days after my initial test. The next month I went back to my doctor for a visit and asked her if maybe it was just a false positive; she was positive that I had indeed been pregnant. I solaced myself in the fact that it had happened after only a few months of trying. But, now I found myself in the fact that we have now been officially trying longer than we had with Klayton.

So, here I am-wanting to share my current journey with you…the good and the ugly. The ugly is confessing my “sins”! I must admit that I am one of “those” people who thought the wait for another baby would be easier since I already have a toddler to keep me busy. Maybe the sting is lessened when I have my little guy to squeeze tighter when I get a negative result. But, it is still hard and maybe harder this time around as I watch Klayton light up when he gets the opportunity to play with other kids-he LOVES being around other children and babies!

This journey is often a journey that women face feeling alone. It is one that is hard to talk about and I have had friends along the way who know exactly what it is like…we all have different feelings, emotions, thoughts; but we have all known how to relate with one another about it. Thankfully, all my friends who have struggled with this have either recently been blessed with baby number 2 or are currently pregnant. I am absolutely thrilled for my friends; but at the same time my heart is crushed that I don’t get to be comparing pregnancy notes with them and its left me feeling even more alone.

As I have worked on this I have been trying to figure out what I should say to really get you to understand where I am. But, I don’t know how to do this…we all deal with this struggle differently. In this struggle I just need a friend that is willing to listen and be a shoulder to cry on. I don’t always need words; because a lot of times the words we speak sound right; but they aren’t right. To tell me, “there’s always next month” isn’t a comfort to me because I wanted/needed the positive THIS month. To tell me you understand is hard for me to believe unless I know you to have laid on your husbands chest sobbing…or have literally cried over a negative test result….cried in the feminine product aisle at the grocery store. You don’t have to remind me that God is good and the child I long for IS worth the wait because I see the goodness of God EVERYDAY in Klayton and I KNOW he was worth the wait and that thought alone puts tears in my eyes.

I want you to know that my struggle is real and hard; but my God is good and He is teaching me to answer the question, “Choose ye this day whom ye will serve?” Am I going to serve God or my struggle with infertility? Infertility is a daily struggle and I could let it consume EVERY area of my life and sadly I have let it consume EVERY area of my life. I am learning to choose God. When I choose God I am choosing to not depend on Evening Primrose oil, my intake of caffeine, or my ability to “relax”. I am choosing to be thankful that I have a God who sees the big picture and doesn’t want me to be alone in this journey. God has given me Bible example, one example is the story of Hannah…God knew I needed to know that she too shed tears of sadness, that people closest to her didn’t always know how to relate; but God remembered her and was there with her every step of the journey. I am not alone.


Olga Vargas said...

Kendra I do understand! I've had to just say hey God you are in CONTROL at all times and know what's best for me and my family better than I even know or think. Literally had to let go of my control over the issue. Hardest thing ever to stop trying every method and the thoughts that would run through my mind of ill let go of it next cycle when I find out I'm not pregnant. Then I would say what if this month was the month I tried everything and I got pregnant. Maybe I should just keep doing everything and "pray" as in I was fooling God and he needed my help and remedies and pill and..... ok no more details you know what I'm talking about. Till I said this is so overwhelming why am I trying so hard when my God is so big he could just give me another one whenever. He must know why and when, and off his answer was no I just had to take a deep sigh of relief as in ok Father I must trust your will for us.

Danielle said...

Hey Kendra,

We've connected once before - around the time of Kelly's SUYL Ministry Wives link up... Anyway. My husband and I graduated from HBBC as well.

I wanted to let you know that I somewhat understand where you are. I say somewhat because I, like you, believe that we all face infertility differently. And we all look at miscarriage differently. I wrote in the post I linked up with Kelly that I have a hard time admitting infertility. To me, it's almost like I'm saying that I give up. I was pregnant before, so I don't feel infertile. But that pregnancy ended over a year ago. Anyway. I wanted to let you know that I'm also one who has sobbed on my husband's shoulder. Two weeks ago I found out that yet another person in my circle is pregnant - and she didn't really want more children... I have to admit, I lost all control of emotions. Anyway. I also understand the "there's always next month" comment - and how it's supposed to be this month. It's frustrating. It hurts. It's painful. And others just plain don't understand. Unless they've been there.

I guess I wanted to say hello again. And keep on keeping on. God is good - I know you know that. I constantly have to remind myself that He is perfect. And His ways are perfect. Even when they don't make sense to me. Hope all is well... And hope you have a great weekend.